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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978302">too much and not enough; disastrous love</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichifairybby/pseuds/ichifairybby'>ichifairybby</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexuality, Exes Yama/Tsukki, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, fbw Yamaguchi/Osamu, saeko/miwa, small reference to miscarriage, tiny bit of drinking</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:49:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,046</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26978302</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ichifairybby/pseuds/ichifairybby</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Yachi loves too much, Yamaguchi is scared to, and they are both very, very confused.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>In other words, yamayachi are disaster bisexuals.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>YamaYachi Week 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>too much and not enough; disastrous love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>this fic is truly me struggling with sexuality, but projecting it into one of my fav feel good ships and using humor to do that lmao! soooo, yes, this is not how it is for everyone and finding themselves. this is not how it is to be a bisexual for everyone. everyone is different, and we should all just love each other and ourselves... ok thank you for reading :) </p><p>also, this fic was entirely prompted by this <a href="https://twitter.com/oikababs/status/1309100351996518406">tweet</a> ! so ty shera </p><p>this is also part of yama yachi week 2020! tbh I could find a way to sneak this into all of the prompts but I like day one's prompt of "living together" so I will go with that :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yachi can’t remember when it started. </p><p>That’s a lie, she can remember the exact conversation she and her friends had her last year of high school. Taking bets on who would do what when they went to university. They all voted her, “most likely to experiment in uni.”</p><p>In fact, she remembers in her second year of high school, when she and a few of those friends snuck into their parents’ liquor cabinets and, a few drinks later took turns kissing each other like it was the funniest thing they’ve ever done.</p><p>She remembers back in her early middle school years, one of the first few times she was allowed to go on the internet, unsupervised. She doesn’t remember what she was trying to look up, but she does remember accidentally happening across a photo of two girls… kissing. She remembers, specifically, trying to make her hand move the mouse to close the screen. I mean, what if her mom came in? What if her mom asked her why she was looking at that? She didn’t mean to open up that image, but oh my god why was she still looking at it?</p><p>That’s as far back as Yachi lets herself think, and think, and over think again. </p><p>She never really understood why those moments stuck out to her, but god forbid she told anyone. They would probably try to convince her to talk about it, maybe go to therapy to talk about, and, oh god, accept it. </p><p>She must sound terrible with those thoughts running through her head, but it just doesn’t add up.</p><p>Yachi likes boys. She always has. She liked the way this boy in her third grade class would sit by her at lunch, and tell her the clips in her hair were pretty.</p><p>The summer between her second and third year of highschool, when she worked at the local community center in childcare, she really liked watching the boys play basketball in the gym across from the check in table. She got caught a few times, face reddening at the wink they’d throw her way; but somehow that made her like them more?</p><p>She was absolutely sure she liked the boy who broke her heart when she was a first year. The one who was a year older than her, with the prettiest green eyes. She was sure that she loved him, but he wasn’t. </p><p>Yes, she was sure she liked those boys.</p><p>But, when Yachi went to university, everything changed.</p><p>She wasn’t so sure she liked boys anymore. She was actually quite positive that she had a giant, giant, crush on the girl across the hall from her. The one with shorter hair than hers, with three ear piercings, and the coolest taste in music. She was so sure, and then, when that girl kissed her in the study lounge one late night, she was definitely sure. </p><p>Unfortunately, that girl transferred schools, and left Yachi nothing but words of farewell in the form of a sticky note. Written in small scratchy lettering, saying she had fun, but was going to live with her girlfriend. </p><p>Girlfriend.</p><p>Yachi cried for a few hours that night. Until her best friend got there, with ice cream and a hug. But, to be honest, she didn’t want any of that. She just wanted to tell him that the one who did it was actually, in fact, a her, not a him; and she was a her and he was a him, and he likes hims too, so it's okay if she likes hers, right? </p><p>Then she got ice cream and a hug from Yamaguchi.</p><p>Since that night, Yachi has not only gone on dates with girls, but has even kissed girls. She has held hands with girls, she has played with girls’ hair, and they’ve played with hers. She has been in pure bliss when being with girls. She even bought a small pride button and pinned it on the pocket of her backpack. </p><p>When she started her second year of university, she got asked about it by one of her classmates while studying. It wasn’t so much an ask, but more of an assumption, and a judgemental one at that. She stuttered for a moment before someone else spoke up.</p><p>“It’s from the diversity center, dummy.”</p><p>The sentence came from a girl with blonde hair and ended with a pop of pink bubblegum. Yachi recognized her from somewhere.</p><p>“Well hey there Yachi-san, Karasuno Manager, huh?”</p><p>Saeko Tanaka. Saeko Tanaka was here. </p><p>She must’ve read the confusion on Yachi’s face because she spoke up.</p><p>“I volunteer at said diversity center here.”</p><p>The one who asked about Yachi’s pin spoke up again.</p><p>“You called me stupid, and you work here?” They looked appalled. </p><p>“Volunteer,” she held that word out and rolled her eyes, “not work, dummy.”</p><p>Her classmate started packing up their things with the rest of the group and Saeko sat in the spot next to her. </p><p>“Well how are you Yachi-chan? It's been a while huh?”</p><p>The two talked that day, and Yachi followed her outside when she went to light a cigarette. She followed her to her car and let Seako drive her to a cafe for dinner and coffee. Yachi listened while she talked, and talked. She talked about her brother, she talked about her jobs, she talked about her girlfriend. Her girlfriend, Yachi short circuited when she said that word. She choked on her sip of coffee and grabbed for a napkin.</p><p>“Woah, you okay?” Saeko said with wide eyes.</p><p>Yachi nodded quickly and let out a few more coughs. </p><p>Yachi let Saeko drive her back to Saeko’s apartment. The apartment she shared with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend, who happened to be her old classmate’s sister. Miwa Kageyama. </p><p>Miwa was confused when Saeko brought Yachi in through the door and watched carefully as Yachi gently removed her shoes. </p><p>“Look who I found while I was wandering around campus today!” Saeko said.</p><p>Miwa smiled and asked Yachi how she was. Slowly remembering and connecting the dots as to how the trio know each other. They gathered in the warm living room and sipped on tea while chatting about their lives. </p><p>“So how is Akiteru?” Saeko asked while looking down and taking a sip of her drink.</p><p>Miwa laughed curtly. </p><p>“What?” Saeko questioned.</p><p>“Way to be smooth,” Miwa answered and rolled her eyes with a small laugh. She looked at Yachi to see more confusion and attempted to explain.</p><p>“Saeko and Tsukishima dated for a short time a few years back. She acts like she hates his guts, but I know deep down she still cares for him.”</p><p>“Platonically! I am dating you, I just, like to keep up to date, make sure he’s… doing okay.” Saeko interrupted. </p><p>“It’s okay to care about him Saeko,” Miwa said with a smile.</p><p>Yachi learned later that night that Saeko and Akiteru dated for nine months. Saeko found out she was pregnant, and then, three months later, found out that she wasn’t anymore. </p><p>It was hard on them both, but eventually, they decided to end their relationship. Saeko claimed Akiteru was a wimp who couldn’t handle the pressure of it, and Akiteru claimed Saeko wouldn’t let him talk about it. </p><p>In the end, they both still care about each other, but choose to “care from a distance” as Saeko explained.</p><p>Yachi also learned that Saeko decided to talk to her today because she looked sad. Yachi looked sad.</p><p>But Yachi didn’t know what she was sad about, she wasn’t even sure she was sad. What did she have to be sad about? Yachi was finally in a place, physically and mentally, where she was okay about who she was. She was okay.</p><p>Saeko drove her back to her dorm, gave Yachi her number to call for “sad emergencies, or any other emergencies,” and drove off into the starless night. </p><p>Yachi saved her number and went to bed that night wondering if she was sad. She wondered until four a.m., or wondered until she found a better word for it; lonely.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yachi finally told her other friends that she was dating girls. Friends other than Yamaguchi. Hinata and her had messaged throughout the years, but this announcement prompted a video call. He was happy for her. Tsukishima was happy for her as well, and asked how Yamaguchi was doing. </p><p>Yachi felt a ping of nostalgia after these conversations. She felt good.</p><p>But there were times where she felt odd. These feelings came along when she’d least expect it. She would order a coffee from a barista, looking into his green eyes below wavy hair. She would bump into someone in the library, drop both of their books, and while picking his up, receive a compliment on her hair which made her stomach flip. She would catch herself staring at the men’s track team jogging outside as the weather warmed and more skin shone. </p><p>The weirdest feeling she got came about in her third year of university. </p><p>She was looking at Yamaguchi, with the hot August air thick in their new apartment and the late afternoon sun behind him creating a sheen over and around him.</p><p>It was the type of sunlight that was so bright you could see the smallest dust particles floating in the air. The type of heat that makes your skin warm, but not sticky, and continues to warm you all the way to your stomach. </p><p>It was the kind of feeling that made Yachi feel like she was just one of the pieces of dust, floating around the room without control but gently and evermoving. Her hair was a mess, and she was a little bit sweaty. She knew Yamaguchi was the same, but she really thought he looked the prettiest. Watching the light bounce off him reminded her of a feeling she had deep inside of her. One of nostalgia and joy, peppered with freeness. She didn’t know how to explain the feeling any other way, but she never wanted to forget it. </p><p>And this, this made Yachi unbelievably confused, but she wasn’t alone.</p>
<hr/><p>For as long as Yamaguchi could remember, he liked boys.</p><p>That’s a lie. He liked Tsukki.</p><p>He liked Tsukki so much. When they were younger, he liked playing games with Tsukki. He liked eating sweet treats with Tsukki. He especially liked playing volleyball with him.</p><p>When they were older, in middle school, Yamaguchi liked when Tsukki would eat lunch with him outside, if it was warm enough. He liked when he and Tsukki would practice volleyball on the weekends. He really liked when Tsukki would let them hold hands under the table, or while watching a movie at each other’s houses.</p><p>Girls were pretty, and if Yamaguchi was close enough to smell their hair, he loved that. But that meant he was not close to Tsukki, and Tsukki was prettier. </p><p>Could boys be pretty? Tsukki could. </p><p>In highschool, not much changed. Except that he really liked Tsukki. They still played volleyball together, they still ate sweet treats together, and they still held hands. </p><p>But in highschool, Yamaguchi and Tsukki felt like they had to call themselves something. Some girls in Yamaguchi’s class asked him one day if he and Tsukki were “like a couple or something.” Yamaguchi didn’t know what to say. As if to save the day, Tsukki knocked on the door frame and ushered Yamaguchi to go for lunch. When Yamaguchi gathered his stuff and met him at the door, Tsukki grabbed his hand. He held his hand the entire walk to lunch, all the way down the hallway and to the courtyard table they would sit at. </p><p>Yamaguchi blushed, and blushed again at this. He blushed when Tsukki started holding his hand while they walked to the clubroom and while they walked home after practice. He blushed when Tsukki grabbed his hand and pulled him into his room, and kept blushing while Tsukki tried to kiss him. </p><p>They were both really bad at it, and Yamaguchi blushed everytime he thought about it.</p><p>Eventually the blushing stopped and things went back to normal, or, the new normal.</p><p>Close to graduation day, Yamaguchi proudly told his friends that him and Tsukki had been dating since the middle of their second year. Kageyama rolled his eyes and said he already knew that. Yachi laughed and gave Yamaguchi a side hug, insinuating she knew the same thing. Hinata thought he was the only one who also knew, and ended up being more upset when Tsukki told him he wasn’t as “big brained” as he thought he was.</p><p>Yamaguchi liked boys, he liked Tsukki, and it was okay. </p><p>Until it wasn’t.</p><p>He and Tsukki went to different universities. Without any doubt in his mind, Yamaguchi packed up his things and moved into the dorms. He waved at Tsukki when he got in the car with his parents. He sent him a text about missing him the first day. He sent a text about missing Yachi the first week, even though he could walk across campus to see her. He sent a text about even missing Hinata and Kageyama, sent a text about his hardest assignments, a text about the best campus bakery treats, and a text about really missing Tsukki. </p><p>Sometimes he got a reply, and sometimes he didn’t. </p><p>One day, he called. </p><p>When Tsukki answered, Yamaguchi heard laughing and music in the background.</p><p>“Ah hi, what’s up Yamaguchi?” Tsukki said, and Yamaguchi could tell he was smiling.</p><p>“I, uh, wanted to talk. If you have time?”</p><p>“Oh whatever-” Tsukki sounded muffled when he said that. “Sorry, what did you say?”</p><p>“Uh, you sound busy so I’ll just call you later.”</p><p>“Alright - no, not that one! - bye Yamaguchi,” Tsukki’s heartfelt goodbye was interrupted by someone and then he hung up.</p><p>Yamaguchi didn’t quite know how to respond to this. He was used to Tsukki being less than responsive, he was used to short replies, but he wasn’t used to hearing him laugh like that and talk like that with other people. </p><p>Maybe Yamaguchi was jealous? No, he felt lonely. </p><p>So he called Yachi, who just so happened to be experiencing a similar feeling. He brought ice cream, mostly for him, but Yachi could have some if she wanted. He really just wanted a hug, and Yachi was going to have to give into that. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The summer following their first year at university, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima broke up. Tsukki said they moved apart, Yamaguchi said Tsukki moved away. </p><p>It wasn’t full of tears, but it was awkward. It felt like Tsukki died. He was there, even when he wasn’t (like in the last few months at university), and then all of the sudden he wasn’t, even when he was (like when they ran into each other at the grocery store, the night before Yamaguchi moved back to university for his second year). </p><p>It hurt, but according to his roommate, the only way to get over a heartbreak is to break your own heart. Yamaguchi wasn’t quite sure what that even meant, but he decided that instead of breaking it himself, he would just keep it safe for awhile. </p><p>Keeping it safe meant keeping his head down when he walked to class, and when he ordered his coffee at the campus cafe (although that was rude, he made a mental note to not do that next time he ordered food). He wanted to avoid any interaction that could lead to potential heartbreak, little did he know that running into a tree with his fresh, very hot, very steaming coffee, could break his heart too.</p><p>The next time he ordered food, he was not expecting to have to look up. But the voice commanding him sounded a bit too familiar. </p><p>“Yer really going to order from them? I have this beautifully made, always fresh, onigiri for cheaper over here! Karasuno right? I’ll give ya the friends and family discount!”</p><p>Osamu Miya was staring at him, with a black baseball cap tilted a little bit off to the right, and an apron that looked like it needed a wash, or two.</p><p>Yamaguchi nodded, and politely, as best he could after that, stepped out of line at the food truck he was going to order from and walked over to Osamu’s.</p><p>“Ah gotcha, you really don’t wanna eat there anyway, promise,” Osamu winked. “But… I, I can’t actually give ya any discount, running a little tight in the pocketbook lately. But, I really do promise that my onigiris are better than that guys!” </p><p>Yamaguchi laughed, and laughed again when Osamu started laughing with him.</p><p>Turns out, Osamu was trying to get his business off the ground. He thought coming to an event near the university would help him make a name for himself. </p><p>Turns out, Yamaguchi really liked onigiris, but he liked them even more when he would eat them at odd hours of the night, as Osamu cleaned up his small kitchen in his small corner business in town. </p><p>He really, really liked the onigiris that were handmade for him, after many taste tests and many frustrated hours of really, really bad onigiris. </p><p>But what Yamaguchi really liked were Osamu’s hands. He watched them work ingredients together to make something delightful. He watched them move while he talked about how delightful those creations were. He wouldn’t watch them when Osamu would tell Yamaguchi how delightful he was, what a creation he was. </p><p>No he wasn’t watching Osamu’s hands, but he could feel them and he could hear them. Every touch and almost touch was a word in and of itself. The conversation between hand and jaw, teeth and neck, finger and lip, was loud and jarring, yet soft and sweet. </p><p>The conversations Yamaguchi and Osamu had were, delightful. </p><p>Yachi couldn’t believe it when he told her.</p><p>“You mean to tell me you and the twin are… together?”</p><p>“No, no, there’s no title. Osamu has to travel for his business sometimes, and you know, I like to keep it, lowkey,” Yamaguchi couldn’t even convince himself with that one.</p><p>Yachi burst out laughing.</p><p>“Well, as long as you’re okay with everything?” </p><p>She phrased it like a question and Yamaguchi nodded. He was okay with it, definitely okay with it, but he hadn’t dealt with Osamu leaving yet. </p><p>Yet turned out to be a few months later just as the cherry blossoms were about to bud.</p><p>Osamu texted him to come to the shop at close that night. When Yamaguchi arrived, there was a plate of onigiri ready for him at his usual spot at the bar.</p><p>“Hey there,” Osamu smiled and leaned on the counter on his elbows. </p><p>“So I’m leaving tomorrow, for a month. Then visiting my brother and some friends in the summertime.”</p><p>Yamaguchi chewed onigiri as he listened to Osamu talk about the upcoming adventures for his business. He watched his hands move while he spoke, moving more when he talked about his brother. He watched him laugh to himself and shake his head when he talked about his shop, especially the finance of it. For not seeing each other a lot during their day-to-day lives, and limiting it to a nightly routine, Yamaguchi knew this meant he was nervous.</p><p>“Don’t be scared. If you can convince me to go to your shabby food truck instead of my usual, you’ll be able to get business.”</p><p>Osamu stopped talking and looked at Yamaguchi. His hands stilled, then went to cover his face. </p><p>“Yer not ‘spose to be comforting me here! I need to be strong for ya, so I can leave and not break yer heart.” </p><p>Yamaguchi laughed. He really laughed and just about choked on his last onigiri bite. Osamu looked mortified.</p><p>“I’m sorry Osamu, but you will not be able to break my heart tonight or tomorrow, someone already did that. So, I know better. I’ve had a lovely time with you though, don’t get it wrong.”</p><p>Osamu looked like he was confused, but slowly started nodding his head. All of a sudden, he lurched forward and hugged Yamaguchi.</p><p>“Ya need to let yer heart out of that little cage, someone is going to love it so much. I’ve loved the time we spent together too.”</p><p>Osamu let go and looked like he didn’t quite know what to do with his hands. Yamaguchi was a little stunned, but he laughed, and laughed again when Osamu started laughing with him.</p><p>Yamaguchi left Osamu that night with a weird feeling. He wished for it to go away, he wished all night long, or at least until, what was it? Three or four a.m.</p><p>That “feeling” he decided, had to do with Osamu’s words about letting his heart out of its cage. Yamaguchi didn’t like that, didn’t like that one bit. The cage is safe, with the exception of spilled coffee, and the cage makes him be cautious. He can’t just willingly love, and love, and love with his whole heart anymore. Like he did with Tsukki, like he did before it was an awkward and bent and broken kind of love. A love that stings. </p><p>The feelings came in forms of old pictures, followed by tears, sometimes movies, followed by more tears, and even in missed calls and texts, usually following many drinks.</p><p>It was the start of Yamaguchi’s third year at university when he got the weirdest feeling yet. </p><p>He and Yachi had just moved into their new apartment together. Both being sick of the dorms, especially the bathrooms, they decided to take advantage of their shared interior design taste and get a two bedroom apartment close to their university. </p><p>The day they moved in together was beautiful, drastically opposite to the day they moved out of the dorms and headed back to their hometown for the summer break. That car ride was filled with the songs of Yachi’s saddest playlists and the sounds of the windshield wipers as the rain hit the window.</p><p>But now, they were feeling good, excited to start fresh. </p><p>It was evening, after a long day of bringing in boxes and furniture. They were both a little bit sweaty and full on the takeout food they demolished after the last box was brought up to their third floor. There were still boxes scattered around, and one being used as a table for their cheap champagne they planned to celebrate with.</p><p>Yachi grabbed it off the “table” and ran to the balcony. </p><p> </p><p>“Grab the glasses Tadashi!”</p><p>He met her outside, looking at the setting sun and the beginning lights from the city, Yamaguchi caught the simplest smile on her face. She really looked beautiful, she always had. But in the years since they graduated high school, Yachi looks more like herself than ever. Not only had she learned to love her outer appearance, but her inside too; she had learned to love herself. </p><p>“Alright, here we go.” She started twisting the top off. She was about to pop it open but before, moved away from Yamaguchi and aimed off the balcony.</p><p>“Uh, I’ve never actually opened a bottle of this before… is it going to, pop?”</p><p>Yamaguchi laughed sheepishly.</p><p>“I’ve never opened one either… but it always does in the movies so, better safe than sorry?”</p><p>Yachi nodded and with a determined look on her face opened the bottle. As she did, a gust of wind came and blew her hair back, the first bubbles and some liquid of the champagne sprayed out. Some of the drink was on her hands and arms, sure to make them sticky. Some even got on her face and neck. The liquid glistened off her body, mixing with and reflecting off the deep orange from the setting sun’s light. She was golden, she was laughing, and Yamaguchi didn’t know what he was doing. He felt like he needed to capture this moment, capture the sound of the AC buzzing and her laughter, the smell of the summer heat and fried food from the trucks nearby, the sight of the sun and the sight of this person he has known and loved for a long time. </p><p>He needed to grab it somehow, bottle it up, and keep it forever. Yamaguchi felt like he would be okay living in this moment forever.</p><p>But more, Yamaguchi felt unbelievably confused.</p>
<hr/><p>University started, and Yamaguchi and Yachi were good.</p><p>They were good with classes and they were good with their new apartment. But when they passed each other in the hallway, or crossed paths in the kitchen, or, god, when they ran into each other that one time Yamaguchi was leaving the bathroom and Yachi was trying to go in… Yachi cringed. His cheeks blushed and Yachi caught the scent of his soap. They said excuse me and Yachi slumped against the door after slamming it shut.</p><p>Why did that just happen, why is any of this happening? Why does she get flustered when she and Yamaguchi talk about school? Why can’t she sit still if they watch a movie together? Nothing like that has ever happened with him. </p><p>She knew what she needed to do.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Saeko-san. It's Yachi, it's an emergency.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, slow down. I see the issue, but I don't see the problem Yachi?”</p><p>There was an issue, and a problem, and so many other things inbetween, what was Saeko saying?</p><p>“I’m sorry, I don’t understand?”</p><p>“Listen, feelings are hard, especially when it involves someone you have history with.” Saeko looked down after she said this, then took a breath. “So I get it. But I don’t see why you’re so upset that you have these feelings?”</p><p>That’s it. That’s the problem. That’s why Yachi is so upset, Saeko, she has feelings for someone who is, in fact, not a girl. Yachi just learned. She just got used to the idea of and accepting that she likes girls. She loves their smiles, their hair, their voices. In fact, she has yet to meet a nice girl who’s voice she didn’t like. The problem is that she loves all of those things about Yamaguchi too.</p><p>“But Saeko, I, I’m lesbian.”</p><p>Saeko smiled. She smiled, and grabbed Yachi’s hand.</p><p>“Let go of the titles, forget them for a second, okay?”</p><p>Yachi nodded.</p><p>“Now, tell me how you feel about him.”</p><p>So Yachi told Saeko about the afternoon when they were moving in. She told her about all of the awkward run-ins in their new apartment. She listed all of the things she loves about him, including the smell of his soap. She was a blushing mess by the end, but she told her. Yachi also told her about her fears. She had so much fear. Was she faking it this whole time? Were her “crushes” on all of those girls fake? Was she lying to people, or worse, herself? She was sort of quiet in highschool, friendly, but quiet. Maybe, she made herself change so much in university because she wanted the attention. Did she miss her mom? Maybe she wanted attention from her. Maybe her feelings for Yamaguchi were a lie too. The heartache of not finding love at university, after she had tried so hard to accept herself, was getting to her and she was trying to settle, even if it wasn’t with a girl. She told Saeko all of it.</p><p>“Yachi, what you’re feeling is valid. Your feelings are valid.”</p><p>Valid. Valid.</p><p>Yachi rolled the word over in her mind, saying it again and again until it didn’t sound like a word anymore. She may have been sitting there for 30 seconds or 30 minutes, she didn’t know. Saeko didn’t interrupt her thoughts until she felt a napkin being tucked in her hand. She looked up and realized there were tears streaming down her face, eyelashes starting to clump together.</p><p>“Oh,” she patted her cheeks, “sorry, I, I didn’t mean to start, uh, so-”</p><p>“Do not apologize, never apologize for your feelings. They’re yours, only you can decide what they are and if they change, and even if they change again. Only you Yachi.”</p><p>Yachi left Saeko that afternoon and felt weird, but it was a different kind of weird this time; she felt free.</p><p>Walking back to her apartment, Yachi nuzzled into her scarf as she kicked through some leaves that had fallen. She had some answers, but made a mental note to do some online research later. She was trying to remind herself of the advice Saeko left her with at the cafe, </p><p>“Don’t try to label yourself Yachi, unless it truly feels right, just forget them if you need to.”</p><p>Okay, she could do that. She could put the label, put the title, put the box to the side for a second. She could throw away the fact that she was gay for just a second while she- </p><p>Yachi stopped. Her arms dropped to her sides.</p><p>“Oh my god.”</p><p>A gust of wind made her scarf unravel a bit and loosen from around her neck.</p><p>“Yamaguchi is gay.”</p><p>It didn't matter what her feelings were. It didn’t matter if she threw out her label. It didn’t matter if she had a whole damn awakening with her former classmate’s older sister’s girlfriend about her sexuality. None of that mattered because Yamaguchi does not like girls, he does not like her.</p><p>Yachi squeezed her hand over her chest, it hurt. She felt this heartache. It hurt, it all really hurt.</p>
<hr/><p>Yamaguchi tried to shake the overwhelming feeling he got that evening on the balcony with Yachi. There were only a handful of times he had ever felt that way before.</p><p>The first time he got his jump float serve right, and actually scored points, in high school. When him and Tsukki spent the afternoon at the lake, the night under the stars, and finally, the next morning waking up in his arms. The waking sun, waking birds, and waking Tsukki made Yamaguchi feel like he was floating. </p><p>There was this one other time, during his second year. It was early fall, and for some reason Yamaguchi was up just after sunrise. He decided to go for a walk in a park nearby the university. He and Yachi had hung out there a few times before. He watched as the sun began to warm up the leaves, the grass, and himself. He let a breath out and could still see it in the air, but yet he truly felt warm. He heard humming and a guitar, he rounded a corner to find a couple sitting on a bench looking out onto a pond. The girl was wrapped up in a jacket and hat, and was strumming a guitar. The boy was watching her like she was the main singer on stage. He hummed along to whatever tune she was playing. She looked up at him and started laughing. His humming turned to laugh, and her chords fell off rhythm. It was light and airy, and the sun was making them glow. </p><p>Yamaguchi felt like he was watching a movie. He felt so honored to be witnessing such an intimate moment. The spell was broken as an eerily similar moment passed by in his memory. He silently walked by, keeping his distance. He eventually made it back to the entrance of the park and by then, the area was filled with dog walkers, children, and runners. He looked around and saw that a young girl was staring right at him.</p><p>“Why are you crying, sir?”</p><p>Yamaguchi immediately took his sleeve and started wiping away at his eyes. He didn’t notice he was still crying, but was not surprised. That happens sometimes if he thinks about that feeling, or more, the person who made him feel that way. </p><p>“Uh, allergies,” Yamaguchi stuttered out and briskly walked away in the direction of his dorm.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>A few (kind of awkward) months after they moved in, and after an unforgivably difficult midterm exam, Yamaguchi allows a few of his classmates to take him to a local bar. He feels the stress of the exam melt away with his first drink. He feels the stress of that haunting feeling intensify with the second drink, then blur with the third. By the fourth, the stress is back, but now it surrounds the round of blue shots that were brought to his table by his friend. On the fifth drink, Yamaguchi really has to think about the stress, he can’t seem to figure out what exactly he should, or shouldn’t be, stressed about. </p><p>And on Yamaguchi’s sixth drink (it could have been seventh, plus a few more blue ones in there) he stumbles into the bathroom to give himself a break from the music, loses the fight with the stall door, bids his classmates goodbye, and begins his short walk home.</p><p>Perfect, he thinks. He grabs his phone, and dials the number he is all too familiar with.</p><p>“Hello?”</p><p>“Tsuuuuukki! It's your favorite midnight caller!”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi was balancing on the edge of the curb, one arm holding his phone to his ear and the other straight out in an attempt to balance himself.</p><p>“Ah,” Tsukki half sighed, “and what bottle do I owe this pleasure to?”</p><p>“Uh… something blue, tastes kinda like skittles.”</p><p>“Sounds dangerous. Where are you?”</p><p>“Walking to my apartment, my new apartment, with Yachi. Yachi’s there, probably, hopefully,” Yamaguchi rambled while he jumped off the curb to cross the street.</p><p>“She told me you guys were moving in together, how are things?”</p><p>“How are things… could you mean, ‘How are things with the apartment?’ or ‘How are things with Yachi?’ or ‘How are things? How are things Yamaguchi, because we don’t talk anymore and we used to talk everyday’.” </p><p>Tsukki let out a breath he knew he was holding because it always happens. Yamaguchi calls, sometimes they joke at first, but they always end up fighting, always.</p><p>“I don’t want to fight tonight, Yamaguchi,” Tsukki says, defeated.</p><p>“Yeah, I really don’t want to either…” Yamaguchi replies trailing off at the end.</p><p>Wait. Tsukki is confused by this, that line never works. He never gives in.</p><p>“Wha-”</p><p>Yamaguchi sits on a bench a block away from his apartment and cuts Tsukki off.</p><p>“I think I just called you because I always call you, but I really don’t want to fight Tsukki.”</p><p>“Well, what do you want then Yamaguchi?”</p><p>Yamaguchi tilted his head back and looked up at the starless night. He looked at the moon that was fighting to shine through the clouds. He looked at the lights from the bedrooms glowing into the empty street.</p><p>“I have a problem.”</p><p>“I’m charging by the minute, shoot.”</p><p>Yamaguchi took a deep breath in. He told Tsukki that Yachi made him feel light. Airy, and like he’s floating and can’t come down. That she reminds him of the weather that one day, when he and Tsukki were young and they spent an entire summer afternoon in Tsukki’s backyard with a sprinkler. His mom let them run it on and off for a few hours, as the temperature was hitting record highs. It was so hot, but with the droplets of water running down their chest, arms, and legs they stayed cool. The seemingly endless supply of popsicles helped too. </p><p>“Do you remember that day, Tsukki?”</p><p>“Yeah, I remember.”</p><p>He told Tsukki that Yachi was the only thing on his mind like he was a 15 year old in love. Like he was at 15 years old and in love. Like he was with Tsukki. Yamaguchi told Tsukki that Yachi made him feel what he felt with him, with Tsukki. </p><p>There was a beat of silence. Then he spoke up.</p><p>“So, what you’re saying is, you have feelings for Yachi.”</p><p>He didn’t phrase it like a question. </p><p>“Well, yeah but, that’s the problem.”</p><p>“I don’t really see it as a problem. Maybe now you can start calling her at two o’clock in the morning.”</p><p>“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi knew Tsukki was joking, but he needed to stay on track, he did just tell him all of his deepest secrets. </p><p>“Yamaguchi, you care about Yachi, you always have, but now those feelings have developed into something more.”</p><p>“Yeah but Tsukki, I’m gay. I’ve been gay ever since I knew what it was. I might as well have gotten it labeled on me with a tattoo!”</p><p>“Yeah, and maybe that’s the problem.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“You… and I, we were always just us. Together, no question. But maybe now it’s time to question it.”</p><p>Question it? Yamaguchi had just always been gay, he can’t be questioning his sexuality now, can he?</p><p>“You decided so early on. I’m not saying that you had it wrong, but you may have just changed.”</p><p>“That’s oddly simple Tsukki, I don't know if it can be that easy.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Yamaguchi kicked a pebble with his foot. Why not. He thought about his and Tsukki’s relationship. He tried to remember when he first called himself gay. It had to have been early on, but he can’t quite remember. He hadn’t even really had any “awakening” or big realization, anything like that. He loved Tsukki, and then one day realized he loved him like that. That made him gay, right? He had to call it something. He never cared about anyone else, it was just Tsukki. And if Tsukki were a girl, he would probably have loved him all the same. No, not probably, he would have. But, could he love someone else again?</p><p>After a brief goodbye and a promise to call again, but not in the middle of the night, Yamaguchi started back to the apartment.</p><p>He could do this, he could think about being something other than gay. I mean what else is there? For claiming to be homosexual his entire life, he sure should know more about it. He needed to look online because-</p><p>He stopped walking. </p><p>“Oh my god.”</p><p>A car drove by fast and splashed some water at Yamaguchi’s feet. </p><p>“Yachi is lesbian.”</p><p>Yachi likes girls, not boys, and not Yamaguchi. I mean, did Yamaguchi really not realize this error? It didn’t matter what he was going to do about his newly found, maybe not-gayness, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter because Yachi wouldn’t have feelings for him. Fuck. Fuck.</p><p> </p><p>Ha, it’s ironic. He’s finally hurting over someone else, not him. He’s used to this pain, but, god, is it bitter when it’s fresh.</p>
<hr/><p>Yachi heard the front door shut. She hoped it was Yamaguchi. She knew he had a big exam today, and told her he was going to have a few drinks before coming home. That was hours ago though, and he usually texts her too many emojis and jumbled words if he got really drunk.</p><p>She cracked her door open and heard a thump.</p><p>“Shit. Excuse me, chair.”</p><p>She heard him say full of sass. She fully opened it and made her way down the hallway to the kitchen.</p><p>“Tadashi?”</p><p>Yamaguchi looked up and saw Yachi walking to the kitchen.</p><p>Great, he thought, he just wanted some food before he laid in bed and ate his feelings away. Now Yachi is here, and she totally knows he was crying, she has to.</p><p>“Are you okay? You look like you might have been crying, did you call him again?”</p><p>Yeah, she knows.</p><p>“Uh yeah, but-”</p><p>“Okay you know I love you, but I thought we were done with this? Remember, starting fresh here? From here on out, why don't you just call me instead?”</p><p>Oh the irony.</p><p>“Yeah I can do that…” Yamaguchi was quiet and couldn’t look Yachi in the eyes.</p><p>“Okay, I probably shouldn’t do this now, but are we okay? I feel like we’ve been off lately.”</p><p>The words left Yachi’s mouth and instantly, she knew they shouldn’t have. Yamaguchi finally looked up at her with wide eyes.</p><p>“I, I’m sorry, I think it’s my fault. I’m just kinda going through something and, and it’s been hard but, I don’t want it to come between us!” Yamaguchi said frantically.</p><p>“No, no it's not just your fault. I’m also kind of going through it lately,” Yachi’s voice got quiet, “I actually called Saeko earlier today and met up with her.”</p><p>“Oh no, are you okay Yachi?”</p><p>“Yeah! Yeah, I mean no, well kind of. But, I’ll be okay, I just want us to be okay.”</p><p>Yamaguchi took a seat at the kitchen table. Yachi followed, and they both let out a heavy sigh.</p><p>“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yachi asked.</p><p>Yamaguchi nodded. If he was going to accept this new fact about himself, it wasn’t going to change just because Yachi couldn’t feel the same. He didn’t want to hide something like this from his best friend anyway.</p><p>“So, I don’t think I like guys, I mean, I think I like them, but not just them you know? Like maybe, both? But like, I don’t know yet, but I know, and yeah.”</p><p>Yachi whipped her head up quickly with her jaw dropped. </p><p>“Yeah, I know it's kind of crazy, right?” Yamaguchi tried to get a laugh out, but failed.</p><p>“No! No, I mean, oh my god you’re not going to believe this….” </p><p>“Wait what?”</p><p>“Um, so I also, maybe like girls... and guys?” Yachi phrased it like a question. </p><p>Yamaguchi didn’t respond. The two sat and stared at each other for a few seconds. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something, but honestly didn’t know what to say.</p><p>“What are the odds, right?” Yachi tried, and like Yamaguchi, her attempt at a laugh came out too somber.</p><p>Her mind was whirling and trying to process what this meant. </p><p>“Well, I think it's great.” Yachi nodded, “When did you find out?”</p><p>Yamaguchi put a hand on the back of his neck and looked to the side.</p><p>“I’m sure it's been going on for a while, but tonight actually.”</p><p>Yachi internally screamed. Whatever weird message fate was trying to send her way, was freaking her out.</p><p>“Well, congrats to us!”</p><p>Yamaguchi giggled and nodded his head in agreeance. Yachi laughed, and Yamaguchi followed, laughing even harder. Eventually the two of them were wiping tears away and holding their stomachs from the outburst.</p><p>“Oh my god, we are disasters.” Yamaguchi got out between breaths.</p><p>“No kidding.” Yachi started, “Well, it's now three thirty in the morning, and we are going to hate ourselves tomorrow.”</p><p> </p><p>The two stood up and started towards their rooms.</p><p>“Goodnight Yachi, and thank you.”</p><p>They went their separate ways for bed, but neither one expected to get much sleep.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>“Are you almost ready?”</p><p>“Yeah, I just need to find my scarf! Have you seen it?”</p><p>“Last I saw, it was on the couch?”</p><p>“Oh, got it! Let's go then.”</p><p>Yachi and Yamaguchi made plans to go on a walk through the park, considering they were counting down the days until the weather permitted them to stay home. They were also going to stop by the food trucks. Apparently Osamu Miya called Yamaguchi earlier this week and told him he was coming back for the street event this weekend, debuting his new onigiri. He also mentioned he was coming back with his new boyfriend. When Yachi asked Yamaguchi if he was okay, he nodded his head and assured her.</p><p>“Really, I’m okay with it, I’m just super excited to eat his onigiri again!”</p><p>They walked towards the trucks, the smell of the food guiding them along.</p><p>It had been one week since they both told the other about their new discoveries. Yachi was glad the awkwardness subsided a bit, but she couldn’t concentrate anymore either. There was a chance that something could happen, but now she has to deal with the fact that it was her best friend. If something did happen, and then it went bad, she would be devastated. </p><p>“Well, look at who it is!”</p><p>Yachi looked at a man with dark hair and flashbacked to their high school years. There were many introductions, and many more thanks after Yachi had tasted the food. Yamaguchi wasn’t kidding, she’d take heartbreak in exchange for these onigiri any day.</p><p>After some catching up they continued their way to the park. At the entrance Yachi heard her name being called. She looked up and saw Saeko and Miwa. A smile broke out on her face and made her way to greet them.</p><p>“Hello Saeko-san, Miwa-san.” </p><p>Yamaguchi smiled and their conversation flowed. Miwa looked at her watch and informed them that she had a client coming in soon so they had to go. After waving goodbye, Yachi and Yamaguchi finally headed down the path in the park.</p><p>“Wow, we’re so popular today.” Yamaguchi laughed, “What’s next, Tsukki popping up out of nowhere?”</p><p>Yachi looked at him, then they both turned their heads and looked around for a second before turning back to each other and laughing.</p><p>“Here, this is the spot I was telling you about.” Yamaguchi pointed to a bench that looked out onto the small pond. It was such a beautiful spot.</p><p>“Wow, it really is like a movie,” Yachi commented and sat down. </p><p>Yamaguchi watched Yachi take a seat and straighten out her jacket. She was looking around at the scenery. He took a deep breath in. If he was going to do it, he needed to do it now. When he told Tsukki about his and Yahci’s conversation earlier this week, he practically got yelled at. Tsukki wanted him to walk out of his room right then and there and proclaim his love for Yachi. Obviously Yamaguchi didn’t do that, but he promised he would when the time felt right.</p><p>He sat down next to her. The time felt… kind of right. But no, he couldn’t wait any longer.</p><p>“So, I have something I wanted to talk about.”</p><p>Yachi looked at Yamaguchi.</p><p>“Oh, I sort of did too.”</p><p>“You go first then.”</p><p>Yamaguchi physically gulped, and then mentally facepalmed. He couldn’t act suspicious, he needed Yachi to talk about whatever she needed to so he could finally tell her. </p><p>“Remember the day we moved in?” Yachi started.</p><p>Yamaguchi nodded.</p><p>“Well, there was, is, this specific moment I remember and haven’t been able to get out of my head. The sun was shining and we were in the middle of moving boxes, and, I don’t really know how to say it, but… you made me so happy. And, I can’t really explain it, but I just want to feel that again and again and again, with you.”</p><p>Yachi looked up and saw that Yamaguchi’s mouth hung wide open.</p><p>“I-” Yamaguchi couldn’t form a sentence. This wasn’t real, or maybe he wasn’t real. Maybe it was a dream. Because there’s no way Yachi just said the words he had been wanting to for weeks now.</p><p>“Yachi, you’ve been my best friend for years. I have been so happy with you for years. I have, I have loved you for years.”</p><p>Yachi wasn’t quite sure if she was about to get rejected, or if Yamaguchi was rambling.</p><p>“And yes, something changed. Because I have felt so happy, but a different kind of happy, for a while now. And I want to keep feeling that, because I love you.</p><p> </p><p>Yamaguchi didn’t know what he was saying but Yachi started smiling so he hoped it was good. </p><p>“I was so afraid at first, because... because I didn’t know if maybe I just fell too easily and loved too much, but I haven’t loved anyone like I’ve loved you before Tadashi.”</p><p>“I was afraid too, you know because of Tsukki and all. I didn’t want to love anymore, it hurt. But, it doesn’t hurt with you, it’s never hurt with you.”</p><p>Yachi grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand. They smiled. They sat and smiled and held hands in the crisp autumn air. Yamaguchi still felt like it was a dream or a movie, but he just held onto Yachi's hand<br/>
even tighter.</p>
<hr/><p>Yachi didn’t know when it started. </p><p>It’s not a lie this time. She really didn’t know when she started loving Yamaguchi so much. It could have been the time when they first moved in, but something tells her it was long before that.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hello, this is my first time writing a fic in YEARS, so (nice) constructive comments are welcome. make sure to follow this <a href="https://twitter.com/YamaYachiWeek">account</a> to see all of the amazing yamayachi content, and you can follow <a href="https://twitter.com/ichifairybby">me</a> if you want to hang out with a hq obsessed disaster bisexual :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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